FRIENDS?!
“My friends, real friends, better than your friends
That’s how we keep poppin’ out that Benz, yeah
No foes, real friends, we ain’t even got to pretend, yeah
Get bands, get bands, spend it all on my friends
Gon’ pull me up, pull me up, pull me up
And never let me down (they never let me down)”
I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately about those friendships that actually mean something to me, something deeper than the title. The true, real and dirty friendships. The ones where those in that tight inner circle see us and all of our parts, our truly true selves - vulnerable and naked (both figuratively and physically). The ones where you don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time, the ones where you feel as peace and at home. The ones who see us at our worst. When we have broken down and are lying on the floor without a hope in the world. They know when to allow us to break down through a failure or even a breakup. To cry. To let it all out.
Even though Beyonce says her friends always pull her up, they never let her down, there comes a point and time in every friendship where something goes wrong, disagreements arise, tempers flare and even best friends fall out of sync. It happens - everyone isn't always going to get along all of the time especially if there’s a strong personality dynamic which is almost always synonymous with great friends.
About a year ago I experienced my first ever situation where I almost lost a friendship (which would have shifted the structure of a group of friends) that I considered really close and dear to me and it sadly was a situation that included a third party outside of the friendship. The real issue wasn’t this third party it was the principle of the horrible situation and ultimately how things were dealt with. It made me take a step back and look into myself and evaluate the ways I go about living my life. Friendships prior to my mid-20s didn’t cause much challenge for me as there were certain factors that were never fully at play I didn’t have to take much into consideration as I navigated life - they were generally hallow friendships to be quite honest. Today, I have come to love and appreciate those I consider my friends - the true ones who have seen me actually grow, those who I would actually go above and beyond for.
A tweet I read earlier that said:
“You disrespect yourself everytime you rekindle a friendship or relationship with someone who disrespects or humilitaes you without seeking redress. Forgivness is one thing however boundries are important. We have to understand too that people have feelings and they hurt and it is sometimes up to them to forgive us and on their time.”
But just like the trials that lovers endure and arguments among family members, the true testament of a friendship is how the people involved rise above the rocky moments. The challenge is finding a way to apologize, hash it out and get back to the golden era of friendship you once knew. Disrespect has no place in an authentic relationship.
This season of Insecure (one of my favourite TV shows) focuses on Molly and Issa’s friendship. I’ve always said that a friendship break up is more painful than a relationship break up. Whether you are #TeamMolly or #TeamIssa there are two things I want to point out as important facets of viable relationships:
Effective Communication
If Molly & Issa had spoken about their issues from they realised there was a strain it wouldn’t have reached to a point where there was a blow up and they end in the streets disrespecting each other.
Support (Mutual Celebration of Wins)
I’m not sure that Issa & Molly even realize they’re kinda afraid to see each other grow so much so that what was once cute, playful, sarcastic wit has turned into hateful, toxic jabs that is chipping away at the love. Once my friend is winning I should be able to be happy for them and support them even if that’s not how we are used to them.
With that being said, not all “SHIPS” are meant to sail forever, I have outgrown friends, and friends have outgrown me. I don’t know if it’s my non-confrontational personality or just that outgrowing a friend sometimes coincides with reaching different milestones in life. I haven’t had a lot of the messiness of outgrowing a friend. For me, a lot of friendships have just sort of faded away. I think we sometimes outgrow the relationship or the energy it takes to maintain it. I haven’t had a lot of disruptive ends of friendships since high school, but I don’t know if that’s better. Sometimes it’s just best to live with the fact that you outgrow people and that’s okay.
I feel grateful for my inner circle. Literally, the strong set of crazy ass people that reside in my inner circle. They lift me up. They help make me who I am today. And tomorrow and everyday. They are a part of me and I am a part of them. This kind of friendship, this kind of love is what makes the world such a beautiful place.