The word “boundary” can be a bit misleading. It conveys the idea of keeping yourself separate. But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or professional.

Setting boundaries is a part of loving yourself, you can’t set boundaries if you’re carrying around guilt about people feeling bad. The people pleaser mentality is going to make it difficult for one to draw the line and say this is where we don’t cross - expressing things like “these are the times you aren’t allowed to call me”, “these are the messages you’re not going to send me”, “these are the questions you’re not going to ask me” because we want people to feel comfy around us doesn’t mean we should accept anything that they have to offer. The book ‘Belonging’ by Brene Brown speaks to the human nature’s desire to feel a part of something and be welcomed and stay in the space - people pleasing comes about through this idea of belonging and staying into social circles etc. we want to have people think good things about us, when we tell them no we feel like in our mind the goal of belonging is sabotaged.

That is not true - it is an unhealthy way of viewing boundaries. A lot of that comes from the language that we use when setting boundaries, that is, rejection and aggression and that is one reason we feel bad about setting boundaries even with people who we love. This kind of approach pushes us to set weak boundaries or even give people a way to step over the boundaries anyway. Your boundaries are your needs. They don’t have to logically make sense to anyone else. Stop here and read that again.

Journey with me - come let’s go - pause, breathe!

Let’s think about your life as a plot of land - when one purchases a plot of land, a surveyor is usually hired to mark precisely the boundaries that surround the land not because they are rejecting the outside land but to mark exactly what is theirs to control and what is theirs to work on. This is to mark what exactly belongs to you so you can manipulate it to make it better and allow what you have to flourish. If we don’t know where the boundaries start and end in life, we will step into other people’s territory and do things that dishonor them and ourselves.

Boundaries tend to prevent squatting - persons who come onto your property and take up residence and feel as they can do as they feel. It’s hard but one needs to ensure they have extraction time for those squatters (see post on Friendship Audit), boundaries help with that. It first begins with knowing your plot of land and ensuring that it doesn’t go barren and that it bears fruit.

It is never about the other person and it shouldn’t ever be. They’re given their own plot of land to tend to - it’s about what you NEED to ensure the space you occupy is in good order. There are things you need to put in place to ensure that this becomes a reality. Understand that you are not setting the boundary because you do not like what the other person has to offer but instead you want to set the terms on which they can offer the help. The same farming and land analogy can be used to illustrate this point - let’s say you want to plant some seeds; you look around for people who may be planting for a long time or their farm looks good - you can go and ask for guidance but they feel the need to take over and you end up learning nothing or you may even get uncomfortable with the situation and they take over your life (most times that’s our parents) - they love you but they feel the need to tell you what and what you should do with YOUR life. Their idea of “helping” you to figure out things is to come in and do it for you - tell you who to marry, who to date, when to have children, what church to attend… and the list goes on. BUT here is where boundaries become important because it allows you to filter what advice you need from whom - it won’t always be right but at the very least, you would have had the experience and you will learn.

Setting boundaries is a practice, these questions will help you to navigate setting them much better:

Am I owning only my needs in this conversation?

Frame the conversation from a place of owning YOUR needs. The best and clearest way to do this is to make “I” statements. Avoid using “you” as much as possible.

Am I framing the conversation as a discussion for both of us, or am I trying to control an outcome?

I recently helped a friend with this. She is looking to get into a serious relationship and has a fear around being hurt and rejected. The guy she is seeing wants to get intimate with her, and she wants to wait until they are committed.

Am I saying this from a place of neediness, or from a place of love and respect for myself?

How do you feel after seeing her/spending time with her? Do you feel like you need to do something because you are “losing control?” That’s a sign you are self-sacrificing and trying to manipulate a situation.

At this point, it’s really ok to fuck up, especially at setting boundaries. We all make mistakes and overextend ourselves from time to time. The key is to move forward with forgiveness and learn from the mistake.