“So you bought me a car, he can buy that too
I can take care of myself and I can find someone to do it too, baby
You actin' like you upgradin' me, I upgraded you
You and me Fashion Week at Paris, I put you on to that new
But you took advantage of me, took advantage of you, took advantage
I cannot understand it, I cannot understand it.”

Is there ever really a such thing as an upgrade or downgrade in dating and if there is what is the criteria for an upgrade?

Of course when you break up with an ex, most of us don’t want to see them move on with someone more attractive, more accomplished or with more money - that’s considered an upgrade. You stalk an ex’s social media in anticipation inevitably of when they move on and find someone else, better. We’d all like to believe that “they’ll never find any one better than me?”

If we’re so fixated on what our exes are doing outside of us, we might as well get back together right? Obviously, the past isn’t in the past if we’re worried about an ex’s new this or new that.

“In a perfect world, as we move from relationship to relationship there should be some level of upgrading as we learn from our past mistakes and have a better understanding of what we want in our partner. Upgrading not in disrespectful way to your ex but rather upgrading in your emotional state. However, sometimes we do not take sufficient time for ourselves to heal and have a moment of introspection to truly understand ourselves before moving forward. This doesn’t happen for most of us and we focus on upgrading in the sense of ‘having a better looking’ new partner or rushing in something to prove a point.” J.M.

Then you could say there is no such thing as an upgrade or downgrade, there are only different experiences. Someone might just have other things to offer that an ex didn’t possess. Good people are just good people, and you may have found a more suitable match, which doesn’t make an ex worse or of lesser value. One objective with every relationship should be to inherently upgrade yourself and your decision making. Each experience should be a lesson, a lesson in learning to love better. You should have the ability to be a better version of you, to be capable of not making the same mistakes you did in the past and to bring wealth to a new relationship.

“I don’t really believe that there’s such a thing as an upgrade or a downgrade in the context most of us think. Most of us think if you date someone that’s not as attractive as your previous ex then you’ve downgraded. You date someone with more money; you’ve upgraded. What I do believe is an upgrade or downgrade in the things you’re willing to allow somebody to do/treat you .” K.H.

The talk about upgrading or downgrading is also tricky, because you can get back with an ex and upgrade/downgrade. What if your ex had other experiences in-between your last foray or learned from the mistakes you guys made in the past? Would it be an upgrade if they were able to love you better the next time, the way you always deserved, the way you wanted them to love you all along?

I think you can upgrade or downgrade. But an upgrade is dependent upon the success or potential success of the new relationship. Attractiveness, money or superficial things can contribute to this but more important factors are kindness, wisdom, love, communication, commitment, care, etc. It’s not the things that you can see that make the next relationship an upgrade, but pillars of the emotional and spiritual connection are the deciding factors. Your ability to pick a better match for you is moreso an upgrade in who you now are as a person, than an indictment on who your ex was - you’ve upgraded yourself.

What’s your opinion can you upgrade or downgrade? If you can what’s the criteria? Has a rekindled relationship with an ex been an upgrade or downgrade for you? Are we too concerned with what our exes think to find true love?